Conscious Co-Parenting | Tangee Zenryka Veloso

“How to Stuff Your Day with Thanks (and Not Just the Turkey)!” – By Tangee Zenryka Veloso

Admin — Sat, 25 Nov 2017 18:04:07 +0000

As we all know, Thanksgiving is a special time to spend with family and friends. But if you are recently separated/divorced or are still needing more time to heal from a separation/divorce, the last thing that might be going through your mind is celebrating let alone feeling thankful.

Yet it is this very season that it would behoove you and your co-parent to set aside your differences in order to be present for the children. Because the most important part of the holidays is the memories of how it was spent. The question is would you want your children to only remember the two of you arguing and/or bad-mouthing one another to be the family legacy? I say legacy because in essence, this is what you will be leaving your children with. This is what you are essentially modeling to them what “love” looks like.

We are constantly instilling in our children to be kind to others, to respect others, to communicate in ways that we would want to be communicated towards yet if we cannot do the same with our co-parent, what is the message that we are relaying to our children? Would we not then be telling them that it is a one-sided family philosophy that the children have to abide by and because you are the parents, you don’t have to? It can be quite confusing for children to say the least. I know this firsthand because it was confusing to experience this myself as a child growing up in a two-family household.

Perhaps because I experienced the more typical way a child is raised in divorce, I wanted to create a more mindful relationship with my son’s dad.

If you are feeling the same way and would like to create a more respectful and easeful experience with your co-parent, especially during this Harvest Feast, then the following tools will be a great way to begin that journey:

Put Your Children First: This is the first step in realizing that what you say and how you say things in front of them can be detrimental to their well-being and to their self-esteem. So whatever you do, ensure that you put your children’s feelings first and let go of the egos by doing this next step:

Leave Your Stuff at the Door: And I’m not talking about the stuffing for the turkey, either! What this means is to do your best to keep things cordial and leave any issues you may have out of it. This is a great tool that my ex and I were taught by one of our family therapists who said when you have had a stressful day at work, before you enter your home, leave all the tension of the day at the door so as to avoid bringing this into your household and possibly taking it out on your family. This same concept can be used when planning and figuring out logistics for the holidays because we all know how daunting coordinating time between both co-parents can be.

Create New Traditions. If you haven’t shared the holidays together since being separated/divorced and you both are feeling open to the possibility then why not create a new tradition by celebrating together. Just because you both are no longer in an intimate relationship doesn’t mean that you aren’t still in a relationship with raising your child together. Since you both have made the conscious decision to co-parent, why not enjoy this special meal as a coFamily. And if you both aren’t ready yet, create a new tradition with your children. Perhaps if your kids are eating a big traditional meal with your co-parent, then include the kids in cooking something else fun to eat so the kids aren’t “turkeyed out”. Or perhaps make popcorn together and have a family movie night.

Write It Down. Normally we say what we are grateful for at the dinner table but take it one step further and create Gratitude Love Notes to each other and share. And be specific with a quality that you are grateful for. I talk about this particular step in my book, “Taming Your Wild Child: 7 Proven Principles for Raising Connected and Confident Children.“

Below are some examples:

Instead of just saying: “I’m grateful for you.”

You could write: “I’m grateful for how helpful you are when you _________. It really helps when I need to get dinner on the table and I have noticed that I’m more calm for the rest of the evening.”

Instead of: “Thank you for taking the kids.”

You could write: “I’m thankful that you are flexible with watching our kids even when it isn’t your weekend with them. This not only helps me out but I see how our kids’ eyes light up when they get to spend more time with you.”

When we write down the qualities and what their qualities bring to life in a Gratitude Love Note, it is such a positive way to connect at a deeper level AND create wonderful memories together.

So for this Thanksgiving, why not stuff your day full of memories that can be a family legacy that your children and co-family will appreciate for many holidays to come.

Celebrate Mother’s Day By Learning Her Love Language – by Tangee Veloso

Admin — Fri, 12 May 2017 20:30:57 +0000

We all know that Mother’s Day is a wonderful day to honor all the moms around the globe. Most moms get showered with gifts, cards and maybe even breakfast in bed made by the kiddos. All of these are amazing ways to express our love and gratitude to the special women in our lives that have raised us and for us who are raising children.

Honoring the co-parenting relationship and the mom on this day is just as important. What I have found is just as equally important with celebrating the moms in the co-parenting relationship is discovering what their love language is, too.

About a year ago, I read a beautiful book by Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell called, “The 5 Love Languages of Children” that inspired me to go even deeper with discovering what my son’s primary love language is. It intrigued me to also learn what mine is, as well. Interestingly enough, both of our primary love language is the same: Physical Touch.

The authors also have several books out for couples, for singles, for teens, etc. The concept behind the 5 Love Languages is to help all of us understand how one another prefers receiving affection from others. Why is it important to know one’s love language? In each relationship, we express admiration in various ways. Each of us carries within us our own language that fuels us. Sometimes within that relationship, the language can get lost in translation. We may not understand when someone is trying to express their love to us and vice versa. When we begin to understand each other’s love language, we can then share how each of us appreciates receiving love.

The following is a list of these 5 Love Languages:

Physical Touch: Someone whose primary language is physical touch really appreciates when they can receive tender moments of cuddling, holding hands, or for instance, what my son likes with piggy backs (while I’m holding a million things at once) or when he caresses my belly and says out loud, “I just love your blubbery belly mama!”. Sigh. But on a serious note, for co-parents whose love language is touch, it could even be as simple as a pat on the back or a friendly touch on the shoulder that shows them that you care.

Words of Affirmation: Recently, I had taken a quiz online (the Love Language Profile for Singles) just to see if my love language was still physical touch and sure enough it still is. I had also felt that one of my other top love languages is words of affirmation which showed up as my 2^nd highest score. Words of affirmation is where verbally complimenting someone and more importantly the reason behind why they are complimenting can truly fill up one’s love cup. To me, receiving little snippets of love notes around the house or a love letter that shares the depths of one’s love is what warms my heart and what can warm others who have this love language, too.

Acts of Service: Then there is this wonderful gift that expresses one’s affection through helping the other person. This could be in the form of washing dishes, cleaning the house, fixing the plumbing issues, helping with homework, etc. The imperative part of this particular love language is when it is done out of love and not out of obligation, the amount of acknowledgment in this form can be tremendous.

Quality Time: When we learn that someone’s primary language is spending special time together, you are able to connect at a deeper level. By giving your undivided attention and shutting off the digital devices, unplugging from work or cleaning, and getting rid of any distractions – you are showing this person just how much they truly mean to you.

Receiving Gifts: Gifts have always been a symbol, a token of one’s love. When someone has this love language, it is beyond just the gift itself though that matters. It is the time taken to research that special gift, whether the person went out of their way to thoughtfully arrange getting this gift to you can all be key in this language.

I’m going to use myself as an example here to give a clearer picture about this wonderful concept. I found it fascinating when I took the quiz, that receiving gifts was last on my list. Don’t get me wrong, I do love receiving gifts and especially surprises. Surprises, for me, as mentioned above is taking the time to orchestrate the actual surprise. For me with receiving gifts, it has always been the simple things in life. For instance, I would rather have flowers picked for me than to receive a dozen red roses that cost an arm and a leg only to just wilt after a few days. Or if someone took me on a surprise picnic, that would make my heart flutter more than a fancy dinner somewhere.

In the co-parenting relationship, however, being able to receive words of affirmation that are encouraging is important to me. It may not necessarily be about a compliment, so to speak, but being able to communicate compassionately, the tone of voice and feeling heard and understood for both of us is what I value most when discussing important things with my son’s dad. Intriguing that this particular love language rated 2nd highest on the quiz, as well.

So can you see where knowing one’s love language can be essential – especially when building a healthy and mindful co-parenting relationship. This not only models to your children how attentive you are to the co-parent’s feelings but it also shows them how you can be aware of how to get your children’s needs met, as well. Each of us enjoys all of the above but there is always one or two that resonates more than the rest.

So this year for Mother’s Day, perhaps the best gift you can give your co-parent is the gift of distinguishing which of the 5 love languages really makes their heart smile and helps build a friendship and partnership in consciously co-parenting.