The holidays are a time to celebrate with family and loved ones. But what happens when you are newly separated or divorced and the kids are with the other co-Parent for the holidays? What can you do to still bring in the holiday spirit in your own home – even if the children aren’t present?

Sometimes being alone during the holidays can feel lonely. Perhaps feelings of sadness, confusion and even bitterness can arise. But staying bitter will only cause more pain for yourself!

Trust me. I get it! Sometimes it may be hard at first to let the feelings of sadness and/or anger go. And I’m not saying to not feel and go through these emotions. It is so important to not invalidate our feelings or to sweep them under the rug, so to speak. It is ok to feel whatever it is that needs to come through.

In my book, “Taming Your Wild Child: 7 Proven Principles for Raising Connected and Confident Children”, I discuss this very topic in one of the chapters.

As quoted:

“Now invalidation is when you are told that your emotions, thoughts, and/or ideas are unacceptable or irrational. They are rejected, ignored, or judged. Invalidating someone means that their behavior is inappropriate and should be hidden and/or not expressed.

It is critical to build and nurture open, honest communication with our kids by truly listening to them. By validating how our children feel, we are building trust and increasing their sense of self-worth.”

In the above quote, I was talking about how it is important to validate our children’s feelings. This same concept can be used for our inner child, as well. So if you are feeling sad or angry, then allow yourself time to process through these feelings. Yet do it in a healthy way! Do your best not to remain angry and resentful for longs periods of time.  Because if you continue to simmer in this state of being – it only ends up harming you, no one else.

Have you ever heard of the saying: “Holding a grudge is letting someone live rent free in your head”? That is exactly what is happening when we hold a grudge. It isn’t hurting the other person whatsoever. It is actually causing havoc in our own lives when we stay stuck in this recycled pattern of angst – which can actually be detrimental to our health and wellbeing.

Not to mention what are we teaching our children when we are holding on to anger towards the other parent? What role model are we being when we are harboring these ill feelings? When we are talking badly about the other parent or even just showing distaste towards the other parent, our children can sense this negative energy. In essence, what we are unconsciously expressing to our children is that we don’t approve or love a piece of who they are when we talk poorly about the other parent.

When we put this all into perspective with how bitterness can affect our own health including our children’s wellbeing, perhaps what can be done is to discover healthy ways to release these feelings that no longer serve who you want to be.

So what could you do that can begin the healing process that instills self-care and self-love? The following are tips that can make way for improved health and peace of mind:

• Practice Empathy through Forgiveness – forgiveness is key. When we let go of resentment, it can actually lessen the grip it can have on one’s thoughts of revenge and help free the space in your mind for things that truly matter. For instance, finding fun ways to connect with your child when you see them next or just as importantly, finding ways to create that deeper connection within yourself!

• Spend Time with Loved Ones that Uplift You – if you can, spend time with family and friends that bring out the best in you. It’s important that you surround yourself with supportive people rather than being around people that bring you down or bring out the negativity towards the coParent. Perhaps even beginning a new tradition with others that might be alone for the holidays as well by opening up your home and having dinner together. Or finding a positive support group that you can go to.

• Volunteer Your Time and Energy to Uplift Others – when we are of service to others and give back to the community, it can help us feel truly good about ourselves. There are many ways to pay it forward. Feeding the homeless, visiting a nursing home to sing carols and connect with the elderly, bringing a pot of nutritious soup to a sick friend, or planting trees with an organization are just a few examples.

• Take a Road Trip – travel to a place that you’ve never been before and explore its culture. Or perhaps even getting out in nature and hiking can be very healing. When we take the time to put our devices down, unplug from social media, and re-connect to Mother Earth, it can help to drop the blood pressure, calm the body and mind and improve our outlook on life.

• Read Self-Help Books and Actually Do the Work – There is something to be said when we get cozy and curl up to a good book – especially if it is a self-help book. But reading the book is only half of it. If we aren’t really doing the work on ourselves, then just reading the book can be pointless. So first, find a book that resonates with you. A couple of great books are: “The Real Rules of Life: Balancing Life’s Terms with Your Own” by Ken Druck and “Wakening Your Worth: Your Journey to Unlocking the Worthiness Warrior Within” by Debbie Shuman Espinoza. But remember – whatever book you decide to read during the holidays, be sure to really take the time to actually do the exercises in the book.

• Learn to Be Alone vs. Being Lonely – This is a tricky one but really important when it comes to learning how to truly love ourselves. You know the old saying, “You can only love another if you fully love yourself”? There is so much truth in this. To take it even further with food for thought, no one else can fully love you more than you love yourself! Meaning that if you are not 100% into you, no one else will be either.

So when it comes to falling in love with yourself – learning to be alone and discovering how to enjoy your own company is vital! Especially if you are a coParent, it can be challenging because we are always doing, doing, doing for our children and others. But this is a great opportunity to enjoy the time you do have alone and to be selfish. Not in the sense of being egotistical but getting self-centered and grounded.

Being by ourselves is a fine art and it takes practice – just like any art form does. Realizing that no one else can complete us is imperative! We are the only ones that can truly complete who we are and who we want to become. No one else can define this for us.

Unfortunately, through circumstances in life (perhaps from childhood), we tend to forget this truth and look outside of ourselves for acceptance, approval, and love. Hence, why I am so passionate about conscious parenting and sharing tools that create a deeper connection with our children where it harnesses a partnership of “power with” (rather than a relationship of “power over”); where the child feels empowered and knows their worthiness and doesn’t need to look anywhere else but within for their acceptance and love for who they are.

So during the holidays, to practice the art of being alone, perhaps the first step is having the willingness to find ways to enjoy yourself. When there is a willingness, there is a way. And once we discover fun and healing activities to do that empower our self-growth with a new way of being, we can then experience more happiness in our lives.

 

 

Part One: What Happens When You Say ‘No’ To That ‘YES’ Feeling? – By Tangee Veloso

Spring is one of my favorite seasons. It’s a time when the cold, brisk air turns a little warmer. A time when the sun stays out to play a little longer and where the aromas of vibrant flowers begin to bloom newness in the air. It’s also during one of my favorite holidays, Earth Day! Not to mention my birthday just so happens to be in April, too!

And always right before my birthday, I like to do some spring cleaning – and not just decluttering my physical space but detoxing/cleansing my body. It’s my wellness spring cleaning, so to speak. I cut out dairy, caffeine, sugar, and alcohol that usually lasts anywhere from ten to thirty days.

As a Connection Coach, one of my main passions is helping individuals and parents/co-parents with creating healthy relationships with their children, loved ones and just as importantly, within themselves, as well.  But what sometimes gets missed in the equation is our relationship to nutrition and wellness. A part of taking care of ourselves is what we are putting into our bodies that can affect our behavior and our children’s behavior. This is one of the reasons why I like to do cleanses throughout the year.

And just as it is important to do cleanses physically, it is just as important to detox mentally, too! This is probably one of the most important key factors of doing a cleanse is how your thoughts are influencing you in your day-to-day interactions with your children and others around you – especially how you are talking to yourself!

It is also important to know that doing a spring cleaning of the mind is not just for when Spring comes around. This is encouraged as a daily practice – especially if you are wanting to declutter limiting beliefs that are holding you back from living your life purposefully (which I will talk more about in Part Two of this article series).

Have you ever wanted to experience a class, a program or an event so bad that it just felt so right in the moment that you said Yes to it. But then when you got home,  you somehow talked yourself out of it?

Perhaps after some thought, all of sudden you didn’t have the money to spend on it or perhaps not enough time to join that uplifting program or empowering event that you knew could change your life around yet your negative thoughts kept you from following what felt true for you?

It happens all the time and it happens to the best of us! It’s called the Gremlin Mindset (as my business coach, Justine Arian states) or the Ego, the fears, the limiting beliefs, or as my previous family therapist, Dr. Cheryl Bratman used to say, the “brain diarrea” – whatever you want to call it – it is the one thing that keeps people playing small in life. It is the one thing that feeds the scarcity thinking; the one thing that can keep someone stuck in their comfort zone.

I call it the “What If” Syndrome. “What if I can’t afford it?” or “What if I don’t have time?” or “What if my partner won’t let me?” First of all, with that last one – you have to ask yourself in what ways can you and your partner support each other more towards your goals and dreams (but that is another topic for another day).  Basically, the “What If” Syndrome is the negative self-talk; the fears that can keep someone feeling too comfortable and limited.

There’s a great quote by Neale Donald Walsh:

“Life begins at the end of your comfort zone.”

This is so true! Yet to some, taking a risk can be debilitating to the point that they don’t do anything at all. But you’ve got to ask yourself: is that a way to live your life? To live inside the box? To live in fear of the What If’s?

Has there ever been a time when you did say Yes and followed that Yes despite the What Ifs? If you have, how did it feel? Was it liberating? Did you feel on fire – as if you can do anything?

I remember a time in my life when that same feeling happened to me. It was 2003. It was my first time going to a music and arts festival out in the desert called Burning Man.

It was during a time in my life where I was lost and unsure of where my life was heading. I had just lost my job, my home and had separated from my then husband all around the same  time. And even though all this was happening at once, I just knew I had to get to Burning Man somehow. So I applied for a scholarship and shared my story. Thankfully my application got accepted.

It was in this moment that I had manifested what I wanted without my own thoughts and What Ifs getting in the way. I didn’t know it back then but I was following my Yes.

I had said “Yes” without going into the fears of how I would be able to afford the gas traveling there or the food for a whole week. None of that phased me. I just knew intuitively that everything was going to be handled somehow.

And it did. A friend of a friend was willing to travel with me to cut down the gas costs and somehow I came up with the food and drinks for the whole week.

But that wasn’t the end of my experience of manifesting what I wanted that week. During my friends’ wedding ceremony out on the Playa, I saw the most mesmerizing thing I had ever seen! People performing with these chains and fire balls at the end of them (otherwise known as Poi). I was completely enthralled by its fiery magic. It was in that moment that I knew from the depths of my heart that this is what I was going to do!

It was a knowing. I could feel it directly in my gut. And these very words came out of my mouth: “THAT is what I’m going to do!” It was that “Yes” feeling.

I would come to know this Yes terminology many years later – after attending a year long program back in 2012 called OMG (Oneness Mentoring Group) by one of my mentors, Amir Zoghi.

Coming back to my story – a week later after being home from the Playa, I found out about a place called Burn Club (a weekly spin jam for fire performers originally founded and hosted by my dear friend and fire mentor – who just recently passed away, Tedward Lecouteur). I went by myself to check it out – not knowing anyone really. After that night, I told my son’s dad (whom during Burning Man we had reconciled) about how amazing it was and that he just had to join me the following week.

Approximately a few months after that, we formed our own fire troupe, (Inferno, Inc.) with Tedward, one of my best friends, Courtney St. Dennis, and several other talented performers.

Now all of this happened for me because I said YES to that feeling. Now if I would’ve gone into the headspace of the What If Syndrome – I guarantee it would’ve been a different experience. I most likely would’ve talked myself out of going to Burning Man, my son’s dad and I might not have reconciled for the next 10 years and had our beautiful son together (it was because of that very experience we had there together that shifted our lives completely) – guess you could say it had sparked the love and creativity between us in a new form. And I definitely wouldn’t have been inspired to become a fire performer. Or maybe it would’ve – we’ll never know for sure but I CAN say this: because I said Yes to myself and claimed it in the present moment (without going into the What If’s), the Universe answered my call and supported me in that Yes.

You see – when we say Yes to ourselves (again, without going into the gremlin mindset of lack – this is a VERY important element to remember), when we follow that feeling; that gut instinct; that Knowingness – you will be surprised just how much you are supported with that Yes.

But unfortunately our fears/Ego can sometimes get the best of us and can easily talk us out of it. Where else in your life could you be limiting yourself? Where else are you holding back because of your fears? And why does this happen?

I’d like to share another story here. I had been helping a Connection Coaching client of mine during one of our phone sessions with clearing limiting beliefs that she has had throughout her childhood, as well as throughout her marriage and divorce. Although her ex-husband was dating someone else and had been for awhile now – she still had lingering triggers around change and possibly this new woman being a step-mom to her children.

After many phone sessions throughout the year, she was puzzled as to why this was now coming up. Why this fear of change was happening because she knew for sometime that they were dating.

Going back to Donald Neale Walsh’s quote, what was happening for her is that her Ego wanted to stay comfortable; to keep her safe. Staying comfortable was serving her Ego by allowing her to play small in her life by still staying triggered by these old emotions. But now that she was evolving through these sessions together, she too had to evolve from her fears. Thus, change.

And as the saying goes, “There’d be no butterflies if there was no change”. In order for her to start truly living, she needed to step off the edge of her comfort zone and travel into the unknown; to follow that YES feeling inside that was intuitively navigating her towards what feels True for her.

But what happens when you say “No” to that YES feeling? When you get stuck in those limiting beliefs?

The answer is nothing! Absolutely nothing can happen when you are coming from a place of fear. Well, at least nothing that serves your highest good, that is. Whatever you are wanting to create in your life can either become exactly the opposite of what you are wanting to experience, or it can become stagnant and prolong what you are desiring when you aren’t following what feels True for you.

One of my favorite quotes from Amir Zoghi states:

“When you’re following what’s True for you, you’re allowing those around you to experience what’s True for them.”

When you are following that YES feeling (while excluding the “What If” Syndrome), you will soon discover that the Universe will support you in that YES – whatever that yes might be; whether it’s starting a new business venture or beginning a new relationship or joining a workshop that aligns with you. You will soon realize that the Universe has your back and new opportunities and new doors will open up for you when you are aligning yourself with that yes!

And when you are following what feels True for you, you actually give others permission within themselves to experiencing their Truth, just the same; each becoming an inspiration; a reflection for one another’s true state of happiness.

So the next time you start to feel yourself spiraling into that “No” – stop, take a breath, do some internal spring cleaning and turn that no into a YES! Take that beautiful step towards honoring self-love by saying YES to YOU!

DEDICATION:

About 3 weeks ago, I was trying to finish up this article. The beautiful synchronicity about this is I had already mentioned my dear friend and fire mentor, Tedward Lecouteur in this article before leaving for a music and arts festival called Lightning in a Bottle (LIB). I wasn’t able to finish the article because I was in the middle of organizing/prepping with my organization, Family Love Village with my business partners, Sonia Wike and Travis Lea and getting ready to leave for LIB where we run the whole kids, teens, and parent workshops.

After coming home from LIB and discovering the shocking news of Tedward’s passing along with having to find his sister to tell her the heart-breaking news, and help organize his memorial/celebration – I was determined to finish this article in dedication to this beautiful man; a legend that inspired hundreds, if not thousands of fire performers for almost two decades.

If you knew Tedward, he was the definition of stepping out of your comfort zone and boy did he empower others to get out of their comfort zones; to Go Big or Go Home (or as I like to now say it: Play Big or Go Home)!

Thank you Tedward for coming to visit me during the writing of this article (and throughout the last few weeks) and for being that YES in my life that always helped me (and many others) to push the envelope and play BIG in life! I love you my beautiful friend.