“Self love is accepting yourself, as is. Reach for the stars…but love yourself right where you are.” ~ Unknown

Wow!  This quote continues to move me in so many ways. The past year I have dove deep into loving and accepting who I am, exactly as I am.  Not who I was yesterday or who I want to be tomorrow but who I am today – or more so in who I am in every moment.  I do have to say though that loving one’s self can definitely be a challenge at times because that gremlin of self-doubt or unworthiness can unwelcomingly creep back into the headspace. When this happens, the first step to loving and accepting ourselves wherever we are at in life is to be gentle and forgiving. And then the next step is to begin discovering more ways to take action towards loving ourselves and getting our needs met.

For the new year coming up, instead of making resolutions (that we end up stopping half-way through anyways) – let’s create conscious intentions! To me, resolutions can create a sense of judgement and can often bring up feelings of failure or not being “good” enough. Whereas, when I set forth an intention, there is more ease and less tension or guilt around the results. By setting an intention, you are making clear what you plan to do. For me, setting an intention brings a feeling of excitement and joy with wanting to get ‘er done rather than a feeling of “having” to get ‘er done. And what better way to set an intention for the new year but by finding ways to fill up your love cup?!

In my book, “Taming Your Wild Child: 7 Proven Principles for Raising Connected and Confident Children,” in one of the chapters, it discusses ways to nurture self-love. The book overall presents a different concept that it is the wild child in us parents with the negative self-talk and recycled parenting patterns that we were raised in that we need to tame. 

By using the 7 proven principles which allow parents/caregivers to become more compassionate towards their children and help create connection and a loving “partnership” with them (rather than a relationship of power over), they will also reflect the same confidence and compassion towards themselves and others, and organically transform their behavior (as well as our own) in the process.

Yet sometimes getting to that place where it organically transforms through compassion and connection can be challenging when you are running on fumes!  This is where some of the following steps from my book below can help you in the right direction towards some TLC for YOU because it’s time for you to fill ‘er up!

Here are a few of the steps you can take to start getting your needs met:

STEP 1. CHOOSE.  It’s time to make a decision on whether you will continue making excuses for why you are not doing what you love to do and not taking care of your needs or choose to have a new blank canvas to paint the many colors where you can begin to go with the feeling.

So, before you drive yourself crazy and find yourself spiraling down the rabbit hole, stop!  And then choose to feel!  When you go with your feeling and trust your intuition, without going into the headspace and the “logical, sensible” reasoning, you will be surprised what doors can open for you when you say “Yes!” to yourself!

STEP 2A. BREATHE.  Close your eyes if you feel it will help.  Take three deep breaths in and out.  Allow the brain chatter to dissipate by focusing on the breath. Feel your breath expanding your diaphragm outward and inward.

Step 2B. BE AWARE.  Take it a step further and bring your awareness from your head all the way down to your feet.  I know, strange request here but if you really think about it, the farthest point from your head (where your thoughts could be eating away at you), focusing your attention on your feet can help to get you out of your thoughts and into feeling, which will also help you get more grounded.

STEP 3. LISTEN.  Once you have chosen to start loving yourself and have slowed down the brain chatter through breathing and focusing your energy on your feet, now it’s time to listen; to listen to your heart; actually, let me rephrase, to listen from your heart.

Truly take a moment to sit down and think about what drives your passion.  Actually don’t even think, feel!  What does it feel like when you grab for that pen and start ferociously scribbling words on a bar napkin?  How does it feel to pick up that guitar and allow your fingers to dance with the strings, to create a rhythm?  Or it could even be as simple as sitting on grass and feeling the sun against your face.  What would it feel like to actually go with your passions and in return have your needs met?

STEP 4. WRITE.  After you’ve honed in on that feeling, get a piece of paper and write down those things that really make your heart pitter-patter and gets you smiling.  Perhaps it’s only one item on that list or perhaps it’s ten.  Perhaps it’s meditating, yoga, dancing, journaling, poetry, or drinking tea with a friend.  Either way, write it down so you can visually see what it is that you are passionate about.  Sure, we may know what gets us ticking and ignites the passion, but writing it down will be a good reminder for you to start doing more of the items on that list.

STEP 5. BE WHAT YOU LOVE TO DO & JUST DO IT!  You know the famous Nike saying, “Just Do It”?  It’s a catchy phrase for a reason.  Now it’s time to look at that piece of paper and start doing what you love to do.  I know earlier I had mentioned that people tend to do in order to get.  And I had pondered on the question that what if the journey isn’t about just doing but about being in order to receive?  So perhaps it’s not about just doing in order to fill up a void anymore.  What is actually possible when we do what we truly love doing that enriches who we are being in the world?  What if being what you love to do awakens you to your Truth and fills you up, instead of just filling a void?

Once you are able to come from this space vs. just doing it to do it, you will begin to notice that who you are BEING in the world makes you actually FEEL good about yourself.  Thus, you begin to fall in love with the person looking in the mirror, YOU.  And simultaneously, you will begin to notice that the world is falling in love with you, too, as opportunities start to present themselves that create abundance in your life.  Abundance in happiness, health, financial freedom and your relationships with your loved ones.

So here are just some of the steps that can help to fuel you up with some self-love. And when you are connected to yourself, you are more able to be present with connecting with your child!

In my 365 Days of Conscious Parenting series that I share on Instagram and Facebook, self-love plays such an important role with consciously parenting:

“Conscious parenting is talking to yourself as if you are talking to someone that you love.  The way we criticize, judge and talk to ourselves can affect how we criticize, judge and talk to our children.  So in order for us to find ways to connect on a more conscious level with our children and our spouse or co-parent, we too need to also find ways to connect with our inner child just the same.  When we begin to have moments of negative self-talk, it is within these moments to be gentle, to forgive and to fill up our love cups with what we love doing (i.e. exercise, meditation, journaling, getting out in nature, going for a ride, etc.) that can bring us back to our center.

Because our first love and last love is…self-love.”

We all know that Mother’s Day is a wonderful day to honor all the moms around the globe.  Most moms get showered with gifts, cards and maybe even breakfast in bed made by the kiddos. All of these are amazing ways to express our love and gratitude to the special women in our lives that have raised us and for us who are raising children.

Honoring the co-parenting relationship and the mom on this day is just as important.  What I have found is just as equally important with celebrating the moms in the co-parenting relationship is discovering what their love language is, too.

About a year ago, I read a beautiful book by Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell called, “The 5 Love Languages of Children” that inspired me to go even deeper with discovering what my son’s primary love language is. It intrigued me to also learn what mine is, as well.  Interestingly enough, both of our primary love language is the same: Physical Touch. 

The authors also have several books out for couples, for singles, for teens, etc. The concept behind the 5 Love Languages is to help all of us understand how one another prefers receiving affection from others.  Why is it important to know one’s love language? In each relationship, we express admiration in various ways.  Each of us carries within us our own language that fuels us.  Sometimes within that relationship, the language can get lost in translation.  We may not understand when someone is trying to express their love to us and vice versa. When we begin to understand each other’s love language, we can then share how each of us appreciates receiving love.

The following is a list of these 5 Love Languages:

Physical Touch: Someone whose primary language is physical touch really appreciates when they can receive tender moments of cuddling, holding hands, or for instance, what my son likes with piggy backs (while I’m holding a million things at once) or when he caresses my belly and says out loud, “I just love your blubbery belly mama!”. Sigh. But on a serious note,  for co-parents whose love language is touch, it could even be as simple as a pat on the back or a friendly touch on the shoulder that shows them that you care.

Words of Affirmation:  Recently, I had taken a quiz online (the Love Language Profile for Singles) just to see if my love language was still physical touch and sure enough it still is. I had also felt that one of my other top love languages is words of affirmation which showed up as my 2^nd highest score.  Words of affirmation is where verbally complimenting someone and more importantly the reason behind why they are complimenting can truly fill up one’s love cup. To me, receiving little snippets of love notes around the house or a love letter that shares the depths of one’s love is what warms my heart and what can warm others who have this love language, too.

Acts of Service: Then there is this wonderful gift that expresses one’s affection through helping the other person. This could be in the form of washing dishes, cleaning the house, fixing the plumbing issues, helping with homework, etc. The imperative part of this particular love language is when it is done out of love and not out of obligation, the amount of acknowledgment in this form can be tremendous.

Quality Time: When we learn that someone’s primary language is spending special time together, you are able to connect at a deeper level. By giving your undivided attention and shutting off the digital devices, unplugging from work or cleaning, and getting rid of any distractions – you are showing this person just how much they truly mean to you.

Receiving Gifts: Gifts have always been a symbol, a token of one’s love.  When someone has this love language, it is beyond just the gift itself though that matters.  It is the time taken to research that special gift, whether the person went out of their way to thoughtfully arrange getting this gift to you can all be key in this language.

I’m going to use myself as an example here to give a clearer picture about this wonderful concept. I found it fascinating when I took the quiz, that receiving gifts was last on my list. Don’t get me wrong, I do love receiving gifts and especially surprises. Surprises, for me, as mentioned above is taking the time to orchestrate the actual surprise.  For me with receiving gifts, it has always been the simple things in life. For instance, I would rather have flowers picked for me than to receive a dozen red roses that cost an arm and a leg only to just wilt after a few days. Or if someone took me on a surprise picnic, that would make my heart flutter more than a fancy dinner somewhere.

In the co-parenting relationship, however, being able to receive words of affirmation that are encouraging is important to me.  It may not necessarily be about a compliment, so to speak, but being able to communicate compassionately, the tone of voice and feeling heard and understood for both of us is what I value most when discussing important things with my son’s dad. Intriguing that this particular love language rated 2nd highest on the quiz, as well.

So can you see where knowing one’s love language can be essential – especially when building a healthy and mindful co-parenting relationship.  This not only models to your children how attentive you are to the co-parent’s feelings but it also shows them how you can be aware of how to get your children’s needs met, as well.  Each of us enjoys all of the above but there is always one or two that resonates more than the rest.

So this year for Mother’s Day, perhaps the best gift you can give your co-parent is the gift of distinguishing which of the 5 love languages really makes their heart smile and helps build a friendship and partnership in consciously co-parenting.

Okay yes there were moments where everything was great.  I took the time to create homeschooling activities that were fun for both of us.  I even opened up an instagram account and started a whole concept called 365 Days of Conscious Parenting with some great tips and natural remedies to help through the cold season.  But the days were starting to merge even blur into each other.  I think I was actually experiencing for the first time what cabin fever feels like!  Now add a fussy four-year-old who isn’t feeling good, sensing negative energy around him and having big feelings every few minutes – it was not a pretty sight!

Yep – I was starting to lose patience my 3rd week into it.  Both my son and I could feel it.  And he could feel it especially today.  Children must have this 6th sense that when they know we are tired, stressed out and annoyed that their feelings become just as intense. I’m sure you can all relate!?  And I completely get it.  Normally I would be able to empathize with him – knowing that he is sensing my energy and perhaps it is scary for him.  And normally I would empathize that he has been sick for the past 3 weeks and that lately the home environment just hasn’t been a fun place to be submerged in.

Yes that would typically be me, using the tools that I wrote about in my book.  Using the amazing tool with Staylistening as he thrashes about and releases his big feelings.  I guess today I had had it with the big feelings, the kicking and lashing out at me every few moments.  Yep – I blew my top.  Not just once, twice or three times a lady.  To tell you the truth, I actually lost count.  Today was definitely an off day for both of us.

Thank goodness my son was feeling better so that we could actually get out of the house and do something!  And thank goodness we still have libraries to retreat to to stay out of the cold – where the hi-tech world of iPads, Kindle, Nook and whatever else is out there in the digital realm just can’t compare to the solace of the comforting smell of old books.   There’s just nothing like cuddling underneath the blankets and being able to physically turn the pages of a book while reading to your child.

Anyways where was I?  Ah yes – the part where I was feeling frustrated. The part where I started feeling awful and guilty for using tactics that I swore I would never use; those oh too familiar tactics that I detested as a child and teenager that was starting to slowly creep back into my subconscious.  Was it happening?  Was I becoming a broken record and reflection of my parents?  Aghhhhhh!!!

Ok that was the wake up call.  I had to find my way back to my center.  I had to get really present and keep those old recycled patterns at bay before any foreign words like “Go to your room” (which would basically be our room since we co-sleep) or “Time out” could even seep its horrendous words from my lips.  Because I knew if that day ever came then there would have to be a serious check-in with myself.

Thankfully I knew what was happening.  The problem: I wasn’t getting any of my needs met.  And even though I do my damnedest to be as conscious as I can be, I have my days.  But the days were beginning to add up with how short my fuse was starting to amplify.  I knew if I didn’t find a way to fill up my love cup soon I was gonna blow!

And filling up our love cups are very, very important!  Heck that’s why I even started Family Love Village in the first place – was to have a sacred place for us parents to learn, to grow and support one another.  Because conscious parenting isn’t always easy.  Especially since we are constantly battling to stay clear of the parenting patterns we grew up in as children ourselves.

But wow…none of the tools I was suggesting for my son to calm his energy was working.  And when he gets frustrated, boy does he get frustrated!  It’s to the point where he is hitting himself.  I can’t count how many times after an episode where he had finally calmed down when I would suggest tools, such as counting down from ten to one or taking deep, relaxing breaths with me or to play Sea Monster (a game we play where he chases me and pretends to tie me up and runs away to hide)…none of these were working.  I was feeling helpless and seemed like there was no solution to helping him with his frustrations.  It was like trying to fine a needle in a haystack – that’s how hard it was to find a solution to help ease his pain.

And then it hit me – like a ton of bricks!  How is he going to be able to use the tools to calm himself down if half the time I am not using the tools?  Sure there were moments when I would be able to count from ten to one or take deep breaths where he would witness me more calm and responding to him with love but then those others times I wasn’t.  So how could I expect him to use these tools when he wasn’t seeing me use them consistently either?

Eureka!  I think I found the needle!  Actually two needles:

1. Taking the time to get my needs met, and
2. Consistently role modeling how to get through my own frustrations with ease so that it can help my son get through his frustrations with ease, too

Which brought me to another realization: as parents we are always telling our children to be patient but if we are not able to model patience to them when they ruffle our feathers whenever they have flooded feelings, then how do we expect them to learn about patience when we haven’t yet learned this valuable tool?

And to go even deeper, could the flooded feelings that our children are feeling that are frustrating us really be a reflection of old past hurts of how our parents treated us that we have yet to heal from?

I’d like to quote a few paragraphs from my book, “Taming Your Wild Child: 7 Proven Principles to a Deeper Connection that Fosters Confidence and Compassion While Transforming Behavior, Too!” that I felt was very relevant to the above question.

“In retrospect, if we are to lead the path for our children, one that imprints a conscious, loving and compassionate livelihood for their upbringing, we must also know what is and isn’t working in order to evolve.

And just as it is important to help children heal their trauma, it is imperative for we adults to heal our past trauma, as well. If you are not able to heal your past hurts, they will continue to trickle onto your children.

Chris Morasky, founder of Ancient Pathways of SoCal (a nature class for home-schoolers), shared his thoughts on trauma and an intriguing point of view about how our children’s ability to push our buttons is a gift. (C. Morasky, personal communication, March 20, 2013):

“Whatever traumas are not dealt with in childhood continue through adulthood, then through old age, and finally to death. Traumas that are not dealt with eventually are physically expressed as illness or injury and via a lower vitality (it is no coincidence that auto-immune diseases are steadily rising, partly due to this). And… you pass your traumas on to your children. The way this happens is fascinating and actually quite beautiful. Your child intuitively senses your traumas and unconsciously finds ways to engage your issues (we call this “pushing your buttons”). Nobody can push your buttons like your own child, right? THIS IS A GIFT. Remember, you can only let go of your limitations when your “stuff” is “up”. Children are born to raise up their parents, not the other way around.” 

And then this reminded me of another quote that I wrote from my book:

“Parenting through connection may seem like it takes longer; but, when you look at the overall picture, it takes just as much time to connect with your child and find strategies that elevate towards empathy, trust and loving cooperation, as it would if you were to try and find ways to repair the damage that tend to usually follow the use of bribes, coercion and punishments.”

In the end, we have a  choice.  There is always a choice.  It is just a matter of whether we choose to respond from a place of love or to react from a place of fear.