Self-Care | Tangee Zenryka Veloso

“Alone for the Holidays? Top Tips for Bringing the Self-Care in Your Home” – By Tangee Zenryka Veloso

Admin — Fri, 24 Dec 2021 20:25:12 +0000

The holidays are a time to celebrate with family and loved ones. But what happens when you are newly separated or divorced and the kids are with the other co-Parent for the holidays? What can you do to still bring in the holiday spirit in your own home – even if the children aren’t present?

Sometimes being alone during the holidays can feel lonely. Perhaps feelings of sadness, confusion and even bitterness can arise. But staying bitter will only cause more pain for yourself!

Trust me. I get it! Sometimes it may be hard at first to let the feelings of sadness and/or anger go. And I’m not saying to not feel and go through these emotions. It is so important to not invalidate our feelings or to sweep them under the rug, so to speak. It is ok to feel whatever it is that needs to come through.

In my book, “Taming Your Wild Child: 7 Proven Principles for Raising Connected and Confident Children”, I discuss this very topic in one of the chapters.

As quoted:

“Now invalidation is when you are told that your emotions, thoughts, and/or ideas are unacceptable or irrational. They are rejected, ignored, or judged. Invalidating someone means that their behavior is inappropriate and should be hidden and/or not expressed.

It is critical to build and nurture open, honest communication with our kids by truly listening to them. By validating how our children feel, we are building trust and increasing their sense of self-worth.”

In the above quote, I was talking about how it is important to validate our children’s feelings. This same concept can be used for our inner child, as well. So if you are feeling sad or angry, then allow yourself time to process through these feelings. Yet do it in a healthy way! Do your best not to remain angry and resentful for longs periods of time. Because if you continue to simmer in this state of being – it only ends up harming you, no one else.

Have you ever heard of the saying: “Holding a grudge is letting someone live rent free in your head”? That is exactly what is happening when we hold a grudge. It isn’t hurting the other person whatsoever. It is actually causing havoc in our own lives when we stay stuck in this recycled pattern of angst – which can actually be detrimental to our health and wellbeing.

Not to mention what are we teaching our children when we are holding on to anger towards the other parent? What role model are we being when we are harboring these ill feelings? When we are talking badly about the other parent or even just showing distaste towards the other parent, our children can sense this negative energy. In essence, what we are unconsciously expressing to our children is that we don’t approve or love a piece of who they are when we talk poorly about the other parent.

When we put this all into perspective with how bitterness can affect our own health including our children’s wellbeing, perhaps what can be done is to discover healthy ways to release these feelings that no longer serve who you want to be.

So what could you do that can begin the healing process that instills self-care and self-love? The following are tips that can make way for improved health and peace of mind:

Practice Empathy through Forgiveness – forgiveness is key. When we let go of resentment, it can actually lessen the grip it can have on one’s thoughts of revenge and help free the space in your mind for things that truly matter. For instance, finding fun ways to connect with your child when you see them next or just as importantly, finding ways to create that deeper connection within yourself!

Spend Time with Loved Ones that Uplift You – if you can, spend time with family and friends that bring out the best in you. It’s important that you surround yourself with supportive people rather than being around people that bring you down or bring out the negativity towards the coParent. Perhaps even beginning a new tradition with others that might be alone for the holidays as well by opening up your home and having dinner together. Or finding a positive support group that you can go to.

Volunteer Your Time and Energy to Uplift Others – when we are of service to others and give back to the community, it can help us feel truly good about ourselves. There are many ways to pay it forward. Feeding the homeless, visiting a nursing home to sing carols and connect with the elderly, bringing a pot of nutritious soup to a sick friend, or planting trees with an organization are just a few examples.

Take a Road Trip – travel to a place that you’ve never been before and explore its culture. Or perhaps even getting out in nature and hiking can be very healing. When we take the time to put our devices down, unplug from social media, and re-connect to Mother Earth, it can help to drop the blood pressure, calm the body and mind and improve our outlook on life.

Read Self-Help Books and Actually Do the Work – There is something to be said when we get cozy and curl up to a good book – especially if it is a self-help book. But reading the book is only half of it. If we aren’t really doing the work on ourselves, then just reading the book can be pointless. So first, find a book that resonates with you. A couple of great books are: “The Real Rules of Life: Balancing Life’s Terms with Your Own” by Ken Druck and “Wakening Your Worth: Your Journey to Unlocking the Worthiness Warrior Within” by Debbie Shuman Espinoza. But remember – whatever book you decide to read during the holidays, be sure to really take the time to actually do the exercises in the book.

Learn to Be Alone vs. Being Lonely – This is a tricky one but really important when it comes to learning how to truly love ourselves. You know the old saying, “You can only love another if you fully love yourself”? There is so much truth in this. To take it even further with food for thought, no one else can fully love you more than you love yourself! Meaning that if you are not 100% into you, no one else will be either.

So when it comes to falling in love with yourself – learning to be alone and discovering how to enjoy your own company is vital! Especially if you are a coParent, it can be challenging because we are always doing, doing, doing for our children and others. But this is a great opportunity to enjoy the time you do have alone and to be selfish. Not in the sense of being egotistical but getting self-centered and grounded.

Being by ourselves is a fine art and it takes practice – just like any art form does. Realizing that no one else can complete us is imperative! We are the only ones that can truly complete who we are and who we want to become. No one else can define this for us.

Unfortunately, through circumstances in life (perhaps from childhood), we tend to forget this truth and look outside of ourselves for acceptance, approval, and love. Hence, why I am so passionate about conscious parenting and sharing tools that create a deeper connection with our children where it harnesses a partnership of “power with” (rather than a relationship of “power over”); where the child feels empowered and knows their worthiness and doesn’t need to look anywhere else but within for their acceptance and love for who they are.

So during the holidays, to practice the art of being alone, perhaps the first step is having the willingness to find ways to enjoy yourself. When there is a willingness, there is a way. And once we discover fun and healing activities to do that empower our self-growth with a new way of being, we can then experience more happiness in our lives.

Fill ‘Er Up! 5 Ways to Fill Up Your Love Cup in the New Year! ~ by Tangee Veloso

Admin — Sun, 31 Dec 2017 20:34:09 +0000

“Self love is accepting yourself, as is. Reach for the stars…but love yourself right where you are.” ~ Unknown

Wow! This quote continues to move me in so many ways. The past year I have dove deep into loving and accepting who I am, exactly as I am. Not who I was yesterday or who I want to be tomorrow but who I am today – or more so in who I am in every moment. I do have to say though that loving one’s self can definitely be a challenge at times because that gremlin of self-doubt or unworthiness can unwelcomingly creep back into the headspace. When this happens, the first step to loving and accepting ourselves wherever we are at in life is to be gentle and forgiving. And then the next step is to begin discovering more ways to take action towards loving ourselves and getting our needs met.

For the new year coming up, instead of making resolutions (that we end up stopping half-way through anyways) – let’s create conscious intentions! To me, resolutions can create a sense of judgement and can often bring up feelings of failure or not being “good” enough. Whereas, when I set forth an intention, there is more ease and less tension or guilt around the results. By setting an intention, you are making clear what you plan to do. For me, setting an intention brings a feeling of excitement and joy with wanting to get ‘er done rather than a feeling of “having” to get ‘er done. And what better way to set an intention for the new year but by finding ways to fill up your love cup?!

In my book, “Taming Your Wild Child: 7 Proven Principles for Raising Connected and Confident Children,” in one of the chapters, it discusses ways to nurture self-love. The book overall presents a different concept that it is the wild child in us parents with the negative self-talk and recycled parenting patterns that we were raised in that we need to tame.

By using the 7 proven principles which allow parents/caregivers to become more compassionate towards their children and help create connection and a loving “partnership” with them (rather than a relationship of power over), they will also reflect the same confidence and compassion towards themselves and others, and organically transform their behavior (as well as our own) in the process.

Yet sometimes getting to that place where it organically transforms through compassion and connection can be challenging when you are running on fumes! This is where some of the following steps from my book below can help you in the right direction towards some TLC for YOU because it’s time for you to fill ‘er up!

Here are a few of the steps you can take to start getting your needs met:

STEP 1. CHOOSE. It’s time to make a decision on whether you will continue making excuses for why you are not doing what you love to do and not taking care of your needs or choose to have a new blank canvas to paint the many colors where you can begin to go with the feeling.

So, before you drive yourself crazy and find yourself spiraling down the rabbit hole, stop! And then choose to feel! When you go with your feeling and trust your intuition, without going into the headspace and the “logical, sensible” reasoning, you will be surprised what doors can open for you when you say “Yes!” to yourself!

STEP 2A. BREATHE. Close your eyes if you feel it will help. Take three deep breaths in and out. Allow the brain chatter to dissipate by focusing on the breath. Feel your breath expanding your diaphragm outward and inward.

Step 2B. BE AWARE. Take it a step further and bring your awareness from your head all the way down to your feet. I know, strange request here but if you really think about it, the farthest point from your head (where your thoughts could be eating away at you), focusing your attention on your feet can help to get you out of your thoughts and into feeling, which will also help you get more grounded.

STEP 3. LISTEN. Once you have chosen to start loving yourself and have slowed down the brain chatter through breathing and focusing your energy on your feet, now it’s time to listen; to listen to your heart; actually, let me rephrase, to listen from your heart.

Truly take a moment to sit down and think about what drives your passion. Actually don’t even think, feel! What does it feel like when you grab for that pen and start ferociously scribbling words on a bar napkin? How does it feel to pick up that guitar and allow your fingers to dance with the strings, to create a rhythm? Or it could even be as simple as sitting on grass and feeling the sun against your face. What would it feel like to actually go with your passions and in return have your needs met?

STEP 4. WRITE. After you’ve honed in on that feeling, get a piece of paper and write down those things that really make your heart pitter-patter and gets you smiling. Perhaps it’s only one item on that list or perhaps it’s ten. Perhaps it’s meditating, yoga, dancing, journaling, poetry, or drinking tea with a friend. Either way, write it down so you can visually see what it is that you are passionate about. Sure, we may know what gets us ticking and ignites the passion, but writing it down will be a good reminder for you to start doing more of the items on that list.

STEP 5. BE WHAT YOU LOVE TO DO & JUST DO IT! You know the famous Nike saying, “Just Do It”? It’s a catchy phrase for a reason. Now it’s time to look at that piece of paper and start doing what you love to do. I know earlier I had mentioned that people tend to do in order to get. And I had pondered on the question that what if the journey isn’t about just doing but about being in order to receive? So perhaps it’s not about just doing in order to fill up a void anymore. What is actually possible when we do what we truly love doing that enriches who we are being in the world? What if being what you love to do awakens you to your Truth and fills you up, instead of just filling a void?

Once you are able to come from this space vs. just doing it to do it, you will begin to notice that who you are BEING in the world makes you actually FEEL good about yourself. Thus, you begin to fall in love with the person looking in the mirror, YOU. And simultaneously, you will begin to notice that the world is falling in love with you, too, as opportunities start to present themselves that create abundance in your life. Abundance in happiness, health, financial freedom and your relationships with your loved ones.

So here are just some of the steps that can help to fuel you up with some self-love. And when you are connected to yourself, you are more able to be present with connecting with your child!

In my 365 Days of Conscious Parenting series that I share on Instagram and Facebook, self-love plays such an important role with consciously parenting:

“Conscious parenting is talking to yourself as if you are talking to someone that you love. The way we criticize, judge and talk to ourselves can affect how we criticize, judge and talk to our children. So in order for us to find ways to connect on a more conscious level with our children and our spouse or co-parent, we too need to also find ways to connect with our inner child just the same. When we begin to have moments of negative self-talk, it is within these moments to be gentle, to forgive and to fill up our love cups with what we love doing (i.e. exercise, meditation, journaling, getting out in nature, going for a ride, etc.) that can bring us back to our center.

Because our first love and last love is…self-love.”

“Needle in a Haystack: Two Solutions to the Problem” ~ By Tangee Veloso

Admin — Thu, 03 Apr 2014 21:10:50 +0000

That was it! It was the last straw! I had come to my wit’s end today! Now, I am normally a patient mama but I think after 3 weeks of being home with my sick son with only a chance to see the outside world 4 times in that duration was all I could handle. Twice for doctor’s visits, once to go grocery shopping and another time when I went to a business event. So I wouldn’t really call any of these exciting adventures, well except maybe those couple of cocktails I inhaled at the business event. But other than that, my son and I had been glued to the hip almost the whole time (minus the times when I would make calls for work where he was glued to my computer screen watching his shows).

Okay yes there were moments where everything was great. I took the time to create homeschooling activities that were fun for both of us. I even opened up an instagram account and started a whole concept called 365 Days of Conscious Parenting with some great tips and natural remedies to help through the cold season. But the days were starting to merge even blur into each other. I think I was actually experiencing for the first time what cabin fever feels like! Now add a fussy four-year-old who isn’t feeling good, sensing negative energy around him and having big feelings every few minutes – it was not a pretty sight!

Yep – I was starting to lose patience my 3rd week into it. Both my son and I could feel it. And he could feel it especially today. Children must have this 6th sense that when they know we are tired, stressed out and annoyed that their feelings become just as intense. I’m sure you can all relate!? And I completely get it. Normally I would be able to empathize with him – knowing that he is sensing my energy and perhaps it is scary for him. And normally I would empathize that he has been sick for the past 3 weeks and that lately the home environment just hasn’t been a fun place to be submerged in.

Yes that would typically be me, using the tools that I wrote about in my book. Using the amazing tool with Staylistening as he thrashes about and releases his big feelings. I guess today I had had it with the big feelings, the kicking and lashing out at me every few moments. Yep – I blew my top. Not just once, twice or three times a lady. To tell you the truth, I actually lost count. Today was definitely an off day for both of us.

Thank goodness my son was feeling better so that we could actually get out of the house and do something! And thank goodness we still have libraries to retreat to to stay out of the cold – where the hi-tech world of iPads, Kindle, Nook and whatever else is out there in the digital realm just can’t compare to the solace of the comforting smell of old books. There’s just nothing like cuddling underneath the blankets and being able to physically turn the pages of a book while reading to your child.

Anyways where was I? Ah yes – the part where I was feeling frustrated. The part where I started feeling awful and guilty for using tactics that I swore I would never use; those oh too familiar tactics that I detested as a child and teenager that was starting to slowly creep back into my subconscious. Was it happening? Was I becoming a broken record and reflection of my parents? Aghhhhhh!!!

Ok that was the wake up call. I had to find my way back to my center. I had to get really present and keep those old recycled patterns at bay before any foreign words like “Go to your room” (which would basically be our room since we co-sleep) or “Time out” could even seep its horrendous words from my lips. Because I knew if that day ever came then there would have to be a serious check-in with myself.

Thankfully I knew what was happening. The problem: I wasn’t getting any of my needs met. And even though I do my damnedest to be as conscious as I can be, I have my days. But the days were beginning to add up with how short my fuse was starting to amplify. I knew if I didn’t find a way to fill up my love cup soon I was gonna blow!

And filling up our love cups are very, very important! Heck that’s why I even started Family Love Village in the first place – was to have a sacred place for us parents to learn, to grow and support one another. Because conscious parenting isn’t always easy. Especially since we are constantly battling to stay clear of the parenting patterns we grew up in as children ourselves.

But wow…none of the tools I was suggesting for my son to calm his energy was working. And when he gets frustrated, boy does he get frustrated! It’s to the point where he is hitting himself. I can’t count how many times after an episode where he had finally calmed down when I would suggest tools, such as counting down from ten to one or taking deep, relaxing breaths with me or to play Sea Monster (a game we play where he chases me and pretends to tie me up and runs away to hide)…none of these were working. I was feeling helpless and seemed like there was no solution to helping him with his frustrations. It was like trying to fine a needle in a haystack – that’s how hard it was to find a solution to help ease his pain.

And then it hit me – like a ton of bricks! How is he going to be able to use the tools to calm himself down if half the time I am not using the tools? Sure there were moments when I would be able to count from ten to one or take deep breaths where he would witness me more calm and responding to him with love but then those others times I wasn’t. So how could I expect him to use these tools when he wasn’t seeing me use them consistently either?

Eureka! I think I found the needle! Actually two needles:

Taking the time to get my needs met, and
Consistently role modeling how to get through my own frustrations with ease so that it can help my son get through his frustrations with ease, too

Which brought me to another realization: as parents we are always telling our children to be patient but if we are not able to model patience to them when they ruffle our feathers whenever they have flooded feelings, then how do we expect them to learn about patience when we haven’t yet learned this valuable tool?

And to go even deeper, could the flooded feelings that our children are feeling that are frustrating us really be a reflection of old past hurts of how our parents treated us that we have yet to heal from?

I’d like to quote a few paragraphs from my book, “Taming Your Wild Child: 7 Proven Principles to a Deeper Connection that Fosters Confidence and Compassion While Transforming Behavior, Too!” that I felt was very relevant to the above question.

“In retrospect, if we are to lead the path for our children, one that imprints a conscious, loving and compassionate livelihood for their upbringing, we must also know what is and isn’t working in order to evolve.

And just as it is important to help children heal their trauma, it is imperative for we adults to heal our past trauma, as well. If you are not able to heal your past hurts, they will continue to trickle onto your children.

Chris Morasky, founder of Ancient Pathways of SoCal (a nature class for home-schoolers), shared his thoughts on trauma and an intriguing point of view about how our children’s ability to push our buttons is a gift. (C. Morasky, personal communication, March 20, 2013):

“Whatever traumas are not dealt with in childhood continue through adulthood, then through old age, and finally to death. Traumas that are not dealt with eventually are physically expressed as illness or injury and via a lower vitality (it is no coincidence that auto-immune diseases are steadily rising, partly due to this). And… you pass your traumas on to your children. The way this happens is fascinating and actually quite beautiful. Your child intuitively senses your traumas and unconsciously finds ways to engage your issues (we call this “pushing your buttons”). Nobody can push your buttons like your own child, right? THIS IS A GIFT. Remember, you can only let go of your limitations when your “stuff” is “up”. Children are born to raise up their parents, not the other way around.”

And then this reminded me of another quote that I wrote from my book:

“Parenting through connection may seem like it takes longer; but, when you look at the overall picture, it takes just as much time to connect with your child and find strategies that elevate towards empathy, trust and loving cooperation, as it would if you were to try and find ways to repair the damage that tend to usually follow the use of bribes, coercion and punishments.”

In the end, we have a choice. There is always a choice. It is just a matter of whether we choose to respond from a place of love or to react from a place of fear.